What’s really going on in a month-long silent meditation retreat
November 1
Dear Co-ordinators, There has been a mistake with my booking. I expressly requested an ENSUITE room with a view. The view from my room is adequate but the ENSUITE part of the room is missing. Please have the bellhop pack and move my things to an ensuite room with a view while I am meditating this afternoon. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 2
Dear Co-ordinators, The retreatant in the room next door to me snores. Please make her stop. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-ordinators, At breakfast today one of the other retreatants, the woman with crinkly hair and unusually big feet, made direct eye contact with me and then SMILED at me! On other meditation retreats I’ve attended this wouldn’t be allowed. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, This afternoon I saw one of the other retreatants, one of the middle-aged bald men, running down the road out of Gaia House. Running! On other meditation retreats I’ve attended this wouldn’t be allowed. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 3
Dear Co-Ordinators, Every time I go outside to do Walking Meditation Zohar is already walking in my favourite spot. Please explain to Zohar that, since she is A Dharma Teacher, she should really be modelling more generosity. And quit hogging that spot. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 4
Dear Co-Ordinators, Those are the two slowest toasters known to humankind. For real. Is that on purpose? To get us to slow down? I feel coercively controlled by those toasters. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 5
Dear Co-Ordinators, Your attempts to make the retreatant next door to me stop snoring have been fruitless. Please have her moved to a new location. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, How do I get one of those eggs I see people with? Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today the postal delivery person came when a bunch of us were out on the front lawn doing walking meditation. It occurred to me that we looked an awful lot like Zombies (!!!) One retreatant was just standing gazing off at who-knows-what for a long time. I suggest you give retreatants the instructions to ‘look a little livelier’ when the post person, or any delivery person, is onsite. This will ensure that Gaia House does not get a bad reputation with the locals. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, I am a little bored. My intuition tells me that some of the other retreatants are too. Please arrange a screening of a film this weekend. Something to lift our spirits. Maybe something with Mel Gibson in it. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 6
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today Francesco made chips. Now we’re talking Francesco! Why can’t we have chips every day? And - please can’t you do something about the weather? Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 7
Dear Co-ordinators, Did any of you see the CHAOS in the dining room this evening, as everyone was trying to make toast and get to the spreads? It was like a flipping square dance in there! You should implement a rota system for accessing the toasters, in addition to upgrading the toasters to much faster models (which I note has not been done yet). Effective IMMEDIATELY. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Have you guys noticed that when Zohar blows her nose it sounds EXACTLY like a baby elephant shouting “Yahoo!” before jumping in a water hole?? I should probably point out that this is a lot of noise to be making when everybody is trying to be so quiet. But it’s extremely lovable. So I propose no intervention is made in this instance. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 8
Dear Co-ordinators, I am borrowing a cute little heart-shaped hot water bottle. Thank you for providing it. However it is missing a cover and burned me a bit last night. Please could one of you knit or crochet a cover for it? I have noted that there are actually 8 of you to look after a bunch of people who are just sitting around all the time, not doing anything, so I expect you must have a lot of free time. I’d therefore appreciate this cover being made as soon as possible. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, The cocoa jar is empty. Please refill it. It has been raining heavily non-stop for 2.5 days. We need cocoa. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 9
Dear Co-ordinators, Instead of the same again same again recorded Dharma Talk every evening, with the same message ‘There is dookah and an end to dookah’ repeated incessantly, how about we spice things up a little? We could have a salsa dance class. Or maybe you could arrange for a local amateur dramatic group to come to Gaia House and perform a musical. Cabaret or Les Mis would hit the spot. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 10
Dear Co-Ordinators, I might have accidentally flashed one of my boobs at one of the other retreatants coming out of the shower this morning. It got away from me. It is a 59 year old boob so unlikely to cause a riot. But still. My apologies. Nobody was expecting to see a boob out and about. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, The sun made an appearance today. Finally! Day 10. It happened during the morning work period when we were supposed to be washing up, but me and one of the other retreatants snuck out to see the sun and she started crying and I spontaneously gave her a hug. I guess none of the above is probably allowed. However it’s just as well we did it because the sun only stuck around for about 3 minutes. But thank you for getting the weather sorted, if briefly, as per my request of Nov 6 (just kidding haha). Now how’s my Hot Water Bottle Cover coming along? (not kidding). Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 11
Dear Co-Ordinators, When I clean the serving area of the dining room after breakfast I have a system. Today the retreatant who mops the floor in the dining room did her mopping starting from the wrong direction. In 10 days she has never done this before so the system was ruined and she was mopping in the place I needed to walk to put my glass chopping boards away. Please explain to her that she needs to stick with the established order to avoid disrupting the system. I tried to communicate this with her via mime, but she didn’t get it. She thought I was inviting her to disco dance with me. She is one of those grim kind of meditators who never smile or look at anyone and does a lot of bowing, even bowing to her mop for goodness sake. So I sense that this period of disco dancing with me did her the world of good. She had some quite innovative moves. But as soon as the disco dancing ended she went straight back to mopping in the wrong place. She was smiling a little however. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 12
Dear Co-Ordinators, I happened to notice today – day 12 – that the 2 big plants in the Meditation Hall are sitting on little wheeled dollies. Do you ever wheel them around during Sitting Meditations? I think that would be very entertaining. Especially if the person doing the wheeling sang “Hello Dolly!” Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 13
Dear Co-Ordinators, I saw in a book in the library that River, one of the other retreatants, wrote a poem every day on a previous November Solitary Retreat. So I have been writing a poem every day too. I know it is probably fudging the rules a teensy bit, but my Artistic Expression needs to run wild and not be constrained in any way, (I’m much like Andy Warhol in this regard), so I have been sending these poems to River every day in the form of notes. (Some of them are quite long, therefore the note paper in our notice board area really needs to be replenished more frequently.) I’ve noticed that River hasn’t collected my notes for 3 days in a row. Please ensure she gets those poems. I sense she needs them. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Every day at lunch I sit beside Nathan at a picnic table outside. It is always a special time for me, and I sense it is for Nathan also. (It can be lonely at the top and I understand this in a way that few others do.) However today at lunch one of the other retreatants – the young guy with the tattoo – sat beside Nathan before I could get out there. Please explain to that young man that it is our special time and in future he should sit elsewhere. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 14
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today our laundry was returned, all nicely folded. I sent off 7 medium-size black underwear but got back 6 medium-size black underwear and 1 extra-large red “super girl” pants with tassels. Those are not my super girl pants. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, I worked out that Zohar and Nathan meditate in the Meditation Hall at the quite unusual time of 1:00pm. Maybe they’ve chosen that time so they can have some privacy. I often join them. I sense it means a lot to them to share that time with me. But today, before I could get in there, you-know-who-with-the-tattoo showed up, and plonked himself on the cushion between Zohar’s cushion and Nathan’s chair, where I usually sit. It was, in fact, me who put that cushion there, which took some doing as Zohar and Nathan hadn’t left much space. Please explain to that young man that he is really starting to piss me off and his ongoing participation in this retreat will be in jeopardy unless he stops interfering with my deep wordless connection to Zohar and Nathan. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, We’re almost half way through the retreat and I’m trying out some new behaviours, as Yanai suggested. Up until this morning it’s mostly been me ringing the bell at the end of sitting periods. I have enjoyed giving it a good whack. But today I decided to see who else might ring it if I refuse to. It turned into quite the Game Of Chicken in there, waiting to see who would go up to front and get the bell and take it to their place. We got to 6:45am and still nobody had taken it. I had a peek at 6:55 and it was still there! Why oh why does it always have to be me who does everything? I made a plan for how I was going to get that bell rung but then, to be honest, something very entertaining going on in my meditation distracted me and I forgot about it. At 7:30 one of the other retreatants, the German’ish guy with the hand-knitted headband, went up to the front and rang the bell. The way he did it, the going forward and kneeling in front of it and the ringing, was all so beautiful and slow and gentle, it kind of blew my mind. He should be commissioned to ring the bell after every Sitting session from now on, exactly how he did it this morning. Effective immediately. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 15
Dear Co-Ordinators, A bunch of retreatants left today. This shouldn’t be allowed. I don’t even know these people, but it’s breaking my heart to see some of them go. (Maybe not the farter, but the rest of them yes.) I might have clung to the leg of one of the young guys when he was trying to get into his taxi (causing the taxi driver to look a little alarmed). I’m going to miss that guy. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 16
Dear Co-Ordinators, This morning’s porridge was a bit of a disaster. It was way too thick (AKA stodgy). Consequently there wasn’t nearly enough to feed the people. I happened to see Zohar scraping out the last globules stuck to the bottom of the pot. She didn’t look ENRAGED but she also didn’t look ‘resplendent with metta’. You might not all be aware of it, but Zohar is not a run-of-the-mill Solitary Retreatant. She is one of the ‘Guiding Teachers’ of Gaia House, kind of like the spiritual bosses. Let’s just say if Gaia House was Tibet she’d be a Dalai Lama. So, as the Gaia House version of the Dalai Lama, she has a lot of compassion built up inside her, which is lucky for the Co-ordinator responsible for the porridge fiasco. I happened to see that the Co-Ordinator who made breakfast was up past midnight at the All Night Sit. She didn’t stay all night. I guess she’s got some sense of the responsibility resting on her shoulders. But still. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest choice. Either that or she got a little bit enlightened from all that sitting and was finding it hard to make sense of the material level of existence this morning. I myself was struggling to work out how to get toothpaste onto my toothbrush. But I digress. I’m finding it hard to think normally. This is a friendly “Heads UP” to that Co-Ordinator: I sense you could be in serious trouble with you-know-who, so best avoid making eye contact with her until it blows over. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today I saw a retreatant, who was in the midst of mopping the floor in the corridor outside the kitchen, abandon his mop and bucket and go out the front door. Next I saw him standing in a muddy spot by the hedge. Then he came back in and stood with his muddy feet in the area he’d just mopped. Then he mopped it clean. Then he put down his mop and went out the front door again. Dear co-ordinators I saw him repeat this sequence 3 times. 3!!! All of this was done with an ecstatic smile on his face. This is pure silliness and must be stopped. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, This new batch of retreatants aren’t nearly as good as the ones you let leave yesterday. Your standards for the selection process clearly slipped. This needs to be reviewed before next year’s Solitary. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, This afternoon I went into the little room in the back of the Meditation Hall where all the meditation cushions and blankets are kept. I’ve seen other retreatants building the most enormous thrones for themselves to perch on, and I want one too. While I was in there I saw a sign that says “Please do not open this cupboard” I have to ask: WHY?!? What exactly will be unleashed if that door is opened? Are you keeping previous retreatants in there who didn’t quite make the grade? All the spiders that accumulate because we all take that vow of non-harming? Lions?? (Please let it be lions.) Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 17
Dear Co-Ordinators, Andy made apple crumble again today. Andy, who moves about 10 times faster than the rest of us in the kitchen. ‘Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It’s Andy, the Rocket Man!!’ While I was meditating my mind kept showing a video of Andy dressed like Elton John, with sequin jacket, giant round glasses, platform boots, glitter hot-pants! He’s sitting at a piano plonking out “Rocket Man!” with one hand, while the other hand whips up a crumble topping. Work it Andy! But I digress. Why can’t we have crumble every day? Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today on a walk, I saw another retreatant way in the distance. We were walking towards each other from opposite directions on a long straight road, like two gun-slinging cowboys in a shoot out. When he was still quite far away I gave him a little wave. He waved back. Then we got a little closer and I shook my leg out to the side. He shook his leg, then wiggled his butt. And before you know it we were doing a full post-modern dance, with side-shuffles, Pina Bausch arm wiggles, and spins. There was even a Dirty-Dancing-style above-the-head-lift at one point. Then we both silently sensed our dance had come to an end, gave each other a high-5, and continued on our ways, in opposite directions. I wish you guys could have been there to see it. (It might be a good idea to check in with that retreatant as I think my leap into the above-the-head-lift might have taken him a bit by surprise. He was hobbling when he left me.) He’s the older gentleman who always wears flip flops. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 18
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today at lunch, while I was simultaneously lifting my fork to my mouth and opening my mouth (watching mindfully like Laura taught us to), a pea fell off my fork, rolled down my front, and into my lap. I (mindfully) scooped it up with a spoon, but as I was (mindfully) lifting the spoon to my mouth that cheeky rascal pea got away from me again, rolled across the table, and ended up on the spoon of the retreatant sitting opposite me. What are the chances?! I couldn’t do that again if I tried! It was the retreatant who looks like Jesus, only taller. The tall-Jesus-ish guy lifted the spoon to his mouth and ate the pea (slowly, mindfully, with his eyes closed, like that solitary pea was the world’s most sumptuous banquet), then placed the spoon back on the table, put his hands together in prayer position, and BOWED to me – all without even cracking a smile. Who IS that guy?! Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, It was me. The lock on the bathroom door. I read the note that said the lock was broken and not to pull it, about six times, but exactly at the wrong moment, my mindfulness zipped off somewhere and I pulled it. In addition to everything else I’m doing (what with all the sitting, walking, eating, looking out the window, sitting, walking ETC I have a full schedule), but in addition to all of the above, I am really going to try to remember to stay mindful as I am exiting that bathroom, and not do it again. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 19
Dear Co-Ordinators, Oops. Me again. Sorry about that.
November 20
Dear Co-Ordinators, Are you guys leaving that bathroom lock broken as a test of our mindfulness? I’m starting to feel as coercively controlled by that lock as I am by the toasters. Well nice try, but it’s not going to work. From now on I’ll be peeing in a different location (if I remember. This mindfulness stuff is tougher that it looks.). Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, I need to know who the pea-eating man is. Seriously guys. I know he’s probably here incognito, to escape the adoring (needy) crowds, and so far that ploy has worked and I’m the only one who has perceived his true nature shining forth briefly in the dining room. But I need his details. Please MAKE SURE he is given my phone number and email before he leaves the premises, and is told to contact me urgently. My future happiness depends upon you doing this. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Please oh PLEASE can you install a passing lane in the dining room? Some retreatants are sooooo slow, and getting slower every day. Even the super-zippy grumpy guy moves like he’s in quicksand now. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators,
I am missing the seaside quite a bit, so I’ve been thinking maybe the Hot Water Bottle Cover could depict a sea creature. If you are too far along in the design/creation process to integrate this idea that’s ok. I understand. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 21
Dear Co-Ordinators, It turns out that the replacement batch of retreatants who came last week are actually way better than the 1st batch. So lovable, so kind, so impressive in their dedication. There is a replacement farter (of course, just my luck), but his farts actually smell quite sweet. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, I keep thinking about Andy dressed as Elton John. This thought has come round so many times Andy and Elton are now fused as ANDYELTON and today when I saw ActualAndy in the kitchen I got a little shock that he was wearing his usual black cargo trousers and not glitter hot-pants. I would give a lot of Dana to see ANDYELTON perform Rocket Man! with my actual eye balls. I bet I’m not the only one. So feel free to use that great idea next time you need to do a fundraiser for Gaia House. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, Today I found out that Trump won the US election. I already kinda knew on the morning of Nov 6. Three of you were doing VERY vigorous bodywork on the front lawn at breakfast time. So I reckoned it had gone that way. But today it was confirmed. I can’t tell you how I found out for sure. My lips are sealed. But boy did I have a big cry when I heard it. I felt like a surgeon had just told me “It’s stage 4 cancer for the Earth.” But then a little later, I noticed how incredibly blue the sky was. And we still have blackbirds. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Hey Co-Ordinators, Last night there was no chamomile tea in the tea area, or corn cakes with soup, and then this morning we ran out of kleenex down by the Meditation Hall. What’s going on? Standards are slipping. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 22
To Whom it may Concern, I just found out that all the Co-Ordinators were joining us on retreat last week. I might have left a rather shirty note last night, addressed to the Co-Ordinators, complaining about service not being up to scratch. If it was you who picked up that note I’m sorry about that. It turns out I’m a little addicted to those corn cakes and was in withdrawl when I wrote that note. Thank you for keeping the ship afloat since we were abandoned by the Real Co-Ordinators. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 23
Dear Co-Ordinators, This morning, sitting at my usual breakfast spot, the retreatant who usually sits on the bench under the big trees finished her breakfast much quicker than usual. As she walked past me I called out “Knocking off early, eh?” and had a little chuckle. She looked startled. Maybe she was surprised that I had made a note of her schedule. Or maybe she was shocked to find out, after all these weeks, that I can talk. I didn’t mean to call out. It just happened. A bit like when you find yourself scratching your nose in a Sitting Meditation and you’re doing it before your mind agrees with your hand. It turns out it’s not just my mind that is out of control. This is a little worrying. Your mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, I happened to have noticed a conversation taking place between two pairs of slippers outside the Meditation Hall. One pair are large, Dad’ish, loafer-style slippers. The others are small crocs. One might jump to the conclusion that the crocs are associated with a female retreatant. But as a queer person I don’t make that assumption. I haven’t actually noticed any male-type retreatants wearing outfits that would go with purple glittery crocs covered in neon pink flowers. It’s not like that LGBTQ+ retreat I did here last year. It was anything goes with the slippers on that retreat. But I digress. One afternoon the four slippers were side by side, the next day the crocs were being cuddled in the embrace of the loafers, the next day the crocs were tucked FULLY INSIDE the loafers. Surely this isn’t allowed! I don’t know what happened to me but before I knew it I’d opened the back door and thrown all four slippers into the back alley. So if anyone comes to you looking for their slippers that’s where they are. Please tell them I couldn’t help it. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, About the Slipper Incident: I think maybe I was feeling a little lonely, with only you guys to “talk” to, and I might have over-reacted. Please encourage the retreatants who wear those slippers to resume their “conversation”. I miss seeing them together. Yours regretfully, a retreatant
Dear Co-Ordinators, It turns out it’s not the toasters, or the bathroom locks, that are coercively controlling me. It’s my thoughts! Is this why the Buddha kept going on about “watching” our thoughts? Some of mine are absolute rascals and it’s quite a thing watching what they get up to. I feel it would be prudent to rescind some of my previous notes. Not the one about the rota system for the toasters though. It was BEDLAM in there again tonight. So that one stands. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 24
Dear Co-Ordinators, Thank you for the hot water bottle cover. It is quite magnificent. When I suggested a sea creature be depicted I couldn’t have imagined an entire seascape, or it’s vividness, or that you would all work on it together as a group project. I am deeply touched by your care, creativity, knowledge of sea-creature anatomy, and knitting prowess. It’s hard to describe how I feel. I am quite speechless. Yours very very mettafully, a retreatant
November 25
no note
November 26
no note
November 27
Dear Co-Ordinators, Everything is perfect. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 28
Dear Co-Ordinators, Thank you for everything you do for us. You, too, are quite magnificent. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 29
Dear Co-Ordinators, Please change my booking. I will be staying a 2nd month. If Gaia House staff had informed me that it would take this long to get into this whole thing I would have booked 2 months right from the get go. But that’s ok. Do you want me to fill in the feedback form now, or wait until after the 2nd month to do it? If you require it now I will need supplement pages as I have a lot of feedback. Yours mettafully, a retreatant
November 30
Dear Co-Ordinators, I’m home now. It’s a bit of a shock having to do all my own co-ordinating. With 8 of you in residence at Gaia House you must have extra capacity, so I’ve been thinking maybe a couple of you would like to come volunteer for 1-2 years at my place? My flat is pretty small, just the 1 bedroom, but I could install bunkbeds in the living room, and a notice board for communicating. And a rota system for the hot water bottle. I have a very fast toaster. Yours ever so mettafully, a former retreatant
